My Love Island Line up

Now hear me out. I, of all people, am not one to particularly participate in the indulgence of reality TV. I never have been. I like to walk outside, I like to dance, I like to read. I like to exist in the now. I mean honestly, I‘d rather do anything else than consume content that consists purely of all of the terrible, no good, dramatic parts of one’s life. Prize money included at the end, whatever it takes, I don’t care.

Or at least I didn’t. I didn’t care.

That was before Love Island.

The rumors are true. My first connection to reality TV. Hot singles on an island far far away, competing for love and money, stealing each other’s partners just because they can - now this… THIS is trash TV.  I can’t get enough.

I would go as far to say that I, Jess Alba, have watched multiple seasons from multiple countries. I’ve allowed Love Island to take over my life. So much so that, I’ve begun to think - if I were a Love Island contestant, who would my lineup consist of? Now, I’ve considered more than a few factors while creating my Love Island lineup. I would obviously require a few suitors. Who, if I were on the island, would I select to share romantic space with me? I would like to test the waters, so, as follows you’ll see that I’ve selected a few. Not so obviously, I’ll need entertainment. I personally don’t think that the romance alone would solely entertain me for the entire duration of the time I’m on the show. So, I require selections that provide me with ample entertainment. Who would fight? Who’s conversation with who would truly leave me speechless? Who could I select to really tackle those physical competitions? Who would I place into the mix just because I know that they’re not in it for love, and we need the drama?

Let’s break it down. I present to you, my Love Island lineup.

1.
Name: Jacob Elordi
Country: Australia
Purpose: Suitor
Why: I think this one is obvious. I need him.

2.
Name: Logan Lerman
Country: USA
Purpose: Suitor
Why: Logan delivers the perfect amount of tranquility & chaos. With his peaceful demeanor & salt & pepper hair, he is sure to arrive on the Island with the sole purpose of getting me to fall in love with him. While I ride the tumultuous wave that is coupling up with Jacob Elordi, he’ll ease my worries and woes with consistent love and compassion, which often pisses off the other islanders pining after him, as he really only desires me until he meets his true love (Which I support wholeheartedly. See islander 7), Tana Mongeau does not like Logan chasing others, as on day 1, she staked her claim on him. This is where the chaos begins.

3.
Name: Tana Mongeau
Country: USA
Purpose: Drama / Life of the Party
Why: I mean, what’s there to say? Tana is always yelling. She single handedly would ruin everyone’s lives on my season, as she wants the 100K all to herself. She would string everyone along up until the last minute, make it to the finale, and take the money. She is insane, but so hot. She would fool us all. She is an icon. It would be anarchy. Now hear me when I say this - would Tana be my first option in every blindfolded kissing competition? Yes. I would kiss Tana Mongeau so many times amidst my season, and she would leave every comp thinking: “Who was it that gifted me these divine kisses?” It's literally me. It’s literally me and she would never know until she personally decides to kiss ME in a blindfolded kiss comp. Tana and I on a logistical level just don’t work. I don’t like it when she yells at me & you see, she would do that a lot. So, we’d never couple up. You’ll see below that she does in fact take the W at the end of the season, but with me? No. (Additional information: Tana tastes like cupcakes).

4.
Name: Trisha Paytas
Country: USA
Purpose: Drama
Why: Trisha is everywhere. A great conversationalist, but always up and ready for a good fight. Miss Paytas would say something genuinely so mean about somebody, then cry & run off & make it a huge deal after they rightfully retaliate. 10/10 chaotic. Would wake us all up in the middle of the night yelling.

5.
Name: Glen Powell
Country: USA
Purpose: Bad news bears
Why: Now I don’t know any of these people personally, but I feel like Glen would just be the worst Islander. He would come in, charming as hell, charismatic, fun, attractive. But something about him is giving oh-no! He would be the Casa Amor scandal of the season. Hopping from girl to girl, finally finding “the one” and then throwing it away for a hot night in the Hideaway during Casa Amor week. Everyone would turn on him. He gets voted out shortly after arriving.

6.
Name: Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson

Country: USA
Purpose: Dominate Physical Comps
Why: Dwayne’s only purpose in this season is to come in and rock everyone’s shit in the physical comps. Tana & Trisha would definitely fight for his attention. He doesn’t care. He’s working out in the background of literally every shot & is consistently making jokes but refuses to make a connection. His lack of connection also leads him to leave the villa soon after he arrives.

7.
Name: Brittany Broski
Country: USA
Purpose: Bestie
Why: Brittany and I are soulmates. We are destined to be friends. We would spend the entire time in the villa, sharing tea, and being goofy together. Her confessionals are unbearably funny & she would win fan favorite of the season. I think that eventually, Logan and Brittany would end up together. These two are the potential victors of the season.

8.
Name: Doja Cat
Country: USA
Purpose: Suitor / Chaos / A top contender in physical comps
Why: Doja would put Dwayne in his place for some of the physical comps. She’s agile and small. This would work to her advantage. She would also have the craziest intro into the villa - I mean, look at her. Additionally, would totally begin the uproar against all of the men on the island, starting a pact for all of us women to date each other while the men slowly all trickle off. Trisha hates her. Glen wants, but cannot have her. She & I spend the entire season playfully flirting. We sneak a kiss here & there. We would most likely spend a week coupled up, but I feel like our goofiness together might be too much, and we would amicably part to re-couple with other islanders as we just wouldn’t really know when to take each other seriously. We’d just be cuddling and confused. I’m convinced that at the end of it all, her & Tana would couple up and make the finale - hell, they would win. Tana would in fact make the heinous choice to leave the island without Doja and take the 100K all to herself (idiot), but Doja doesn’t care. She just wants to shake ass and be wild! 

9.
Name: Austin Butler (dressed as Elvis the entire time)
Country: USA
Purpose: He paid to be on the show
Why: Austin refuses to stop talking in his Elvis accent / dressing like Elvis, but Trisha cannot get enough. Austin (Elvis) and Glen’s friendship knows no bounds. We ask them often if they’re interested in coupling up, but they are repulsed by this. (Joke is on them. I am now writing about them in a homosexual magazine.) To prove to America that they are not romantically involved, they are continuously fighting over Doja Cat & kissing her in competitions (round 2 of joke is on them, Doja only has romantic relations with women on the island). Butler (Presley) would also be the second most heavily pied islander in the pie competition, next to Glen Powell. The crazy change up about this is, (round 3 of joke is on them) because Austin is so obsessed with Elvis, he actually falls for Jacob Elordi halfway through the season because Jacob Elordi also plays Elvis on the big screen. Austin Butler loves himself. He spends the rest of his time on the island chasing Jacob. Jacob indulges for a while during my escapade with Doja Cat, but after he realizes that he is unable to get Butler out of character, he gets freaked out and decides to step back from their relationship. The ceremony in which Jacob says my name when asked who he’d like to couple up with instead of Austin’s shocks the nation. We are the drama. Butler has to leave the island. He prays to Elvis.

10.
Name: Gordon Ramsay
Country: United Kingdom
Purpose: Mean
Why: Gordon serves as the singular cast member who is really willing to put everyone in their place without fear of backlash. He would also cook all of our meals for us, so we would eat good all day, every day. Every time somebody says something stupid, he’s the first to shoot a crazy look up at one of the hidden cameras, and is constantly talking about how he wants to go home. Gordon, Brittany, and I, are however, the best of friends. A three person alliance, if you will.

In the end, the three couples that compete in the finale are as follows:

1. Jacob Elordi and Myself
2. Doja Cat and Tana Mongeau
3. Brittany Broski and Logan Lerman

Our victors? As previously stated, Miss Doja and baby Tana!

Additional honorable cast member mentions:
Dove Cameron (Suitor)
Jack Harlow (For the bit)
Post Malone (Gives the best hugs)
Lea Michele (Sole ingenue of the island & won’t stop talking about it)
Judd Nelson, Breakfast Club Era (Suitor)