Guide to a first date
Hello, and welcome to my Guide to a First Date. I am honored, humbled, and horny to have you joining me on this journey. With your purchase of this Guide to a First Date you have a 100% satisfaction guarantee, or your money back!*
you must decide a time and place. ideally, this is somewhere that contains multitudes of intimacy and adoration. but also super chill. just like you. i recommend a wine bar or a picnic.
begin to think about what you’re going to wear. of course, this is the biggest decision you will ever make and they are going to judge you immediately on this so… don’t freak out or anything…but you’re fucked.
try on your whole closet! (you don’t find anything you like.)
cut up at least 2 shirts! maybe a new outfit will help you feel better. no time to shop, just cut.
consider pulling out the sewing machine. you still don’t have time to shop but you might have time to literally construct a new three piece set out of that dress you never wear and also don’t really like.
call your roommate! sobbing! raid their closet!
return to your own closet, and try on the same outfit you have worn for every nice event for the last three years. (in my case, it’s a light green silk button up and doc martens).
pace around your bedroom for at least 30 minutes. if your bedroom is too small, you may extend your walk to other parts of the house, or even outside.
scream a few times, the content of which can be dealer's choice: words or slurs or slurry words. my favorite is “i'm gonna throw up!”
hopefully by now your roommate will answer your calls and come home from work early. (this is more important than their paycheck, despite what capitalism may tell you.)
cry to them about how unlovable and horrible you are. by now, you feel this with certainty.
listen to everything nice they say, and thank them profusely. in your head, reject it, think about how they don’t know you at all (you’ve only lived together for 5 years), and continue to panic.
make yourself a drink. pour it heavy, you’re gonna need the extra courage. now, it tastes disgusting and you hate it and you might as well leave it on the counter as a symbol of your stupidity and shame. i think dostoevsky wrote a book about this.
boil water for coffee. forget about it. let the kettle whistle for as long as possible. the sound will actually calm your mind. believe me.
go outside, smoke a cigarette. pray your hot neighbor will come out to see you in this hot outfit. (they’ve seen it before).
keep an eye on the street. inevitably someone will walk by with a better outfit, and you can go back to square one.
take my advice on this one: just change your shoes. loafers.
head back inside, and catch yourself in the mirror by the door. notice that your mascara is under your eyes, since you never put on fresh makeup.
go wash your face. (since you’re wearing waterproof mascara, this makes it worse.)
stare at your raccoon eyes. go off, black swan.
repeat number 9.
in trying to remove your makeup, spill water all over your shirt.
pack your bag. don’t forget the essentials: ativan, weed pen, the books you’ve been meaning to read (at least 3), a letter from your ex, your boss’ prescriptions (remember to deliver tomorrow), a compass, a rubber band ball (confiscated from a student at Shakespeare camp last summer), an old playbill, your planner, and your cvs receipt (you might need that coupon!!).
run to the kitchen, chug your drink.
remember the water on the stove, turn it off, but burn your hand in the process.
run back to the bathroom to put your hand under cold water. say aloud “people can do hard things” 4 times. look directly in the mirror.
check google maps: 25 min walk, you have to be there in 20 minutes. you can do it. run. but do not sweat. you just fixed your makeup.
as you leave, your hot neighbor comes up the stairs. push him if you must, but do NOT engage.
put on your headphones and change the playlist every 30 seconds. decide on a “confidence mix” but ultimately change to phoebe bridgers.
decide to walk down a street where you know you will be cat called. this will make you walk faster, and you’ll be on time. (have you ever been stopped and asked what you’re listening to? it would be so embarrassing if that happened right now.)
turn up “waiting room” and try not to hum along.
arrive at the bar. it’s best if you’re a little sweaty from the walk, so your date can smell your pheromones. forget about the mascara you just fixed.
they’re late (of course) so order yourself a glass of wine. make sure to finish it before they arrive.
pull out your book. is it cool?
put it away.
pull out your planner. no that’s dumb. you can’t look like you’re working!
repeat number 35.
pull out your phone. see an ugly instagram photo of your ex best friend, and start going in deep on where he’s been hanging out. just as it’s getting juicy……
date arrives. they’re hot. drool a little. tell them you like their outfit. get shy.
no matter what you do, don’t look at their boobs. (look at their boobs.)
ask the usual first date questions: where did you grow up? when was the last time your father said he was proud of you? have you ever considered killing yourself? how many siblings do you have? how much money do you make? what is the weirdest place you’ve had sex? are you high right now? what friendship do you most regret losing? are you in love with me? want to fuck in the bathroom? how many eggs do you think you have consumed in your lifetime, and was it worth it?
laugh, giggle, shoot the shit. offer to walk them to their car, since you have to walk home anyways.
let them drive you home. make out in the car, sufjan stevens style.
when they ask if they can come inside, say you “have to be a lady!!!!” (regardless of gender).
never call, text, email, fax, dm, or write them. ever.
complain to all your friends that you cannot find anyone that can handle you, in all your greatness.
open hinge. begin again…
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